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06 January 2011 @ 05:06 pm
Head Over Heels (and aching), a Torchwood fanfic  

Title: Head Over Heels (and aching)
Author: dripepper
Pairing:
Jack/Ianto. Jack’s POV.
Rating: R
Summary:
As a prisoner of The Master I had three kinds of days: the really bad days, the even worse days and that almost good day when I suddenly realize I am absolutely in love with Ianto Jones.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or Doctor Who. No profit made with this fanfiction. Title extracted from “Head Over Heels (in this life)” a song by Switchfoot, not mine.
NA: Thanks to my husband for being my first-reader and for showing me a whole new way of seeing my own fanfic. Thanks to lowease for being my severe but charming beta-reader.

This is a gift for my friend laura_guerin. I know you asked for something completely different, my dear, but that’s all I could do. I hope it works for you.

 
 

Head Over Heels (and aching)

 As a prisoner of The Master, I had three kinds of days: the really bad days, the even worse days and that particular one, bordering a good day, when I talked way too much (not an uncommon occurrence at that year) (you know, Tish is a good listener, even though she hardly says anything) and in a wave of babbling I suddenly realized I am absolutely in love with Ianto Jones.

I had quite a few reasons to come back to Cardiff, really – like Gwen and Tosh and Owen and the fact that I can meet the Doctor again and possibly again and again and again through eternity. Sure, the Doctor is the Doctor, but my team – Ianto – just lives once. And it’s been a while since the last time I have found myself absolutely in love, like a movie or a 40’s song, or at least with someone close and possible and even interested (in his case, more like absolutely in love with me as well).

Of course, Ianto being close and possible and at least interested (or absolutely in love, for that matter) didn’t make it easy. More like even more difficult, as in damned-nightmare-with-daleks difficult. Try to take Ianto Jones to your bed and wait months and months until he takes you to your bed, in his own terms. Try to ask him on a date and see yourself trapped in his inescapable chain of evenings spent going from work to bed – no scales –, not once going to restaurants or theatres. Try to talk to him about feelings and get the best kisses and sex almost too good to be true, but get nothing about the fucking feelings. Maybe you could make him show some sort of cute jealousy over simple innocent things, but never a single demonstration when it really mattered. And if you try too hard, what you get is a frown or a face at the simplest mention of the word love. Even in a harmless sentence like “I love your coffee” that absolutely does not hide an “almost as I love you, beautiful”, I swear. Oh, well.

-

(His hands on mine; sweat seems to melt them both in one piece, almost as the deepness of his eyes over mine, blue choking against my soul whilst our noses touch and – please – his body claims mine as his belonging. With our chests pressed together I can feel his heart over mine, fast as hell, the blue of his eyes darkening as the room lightens into what I reckon as the morning sun.

At this moment I don’t want to get lost, I don’t want to forget. I want Ianto and with him I want the whole lot – the pain and the immortality and the universe and the morning sun. Ianto is it all because it all is Ianto, love and pain, our past and future beloveds and everything we lost and will lose. Our hearts and moans beating together with pleasant feelings and wounded thoughts. I come hard and I care deeply, I come because I care and that’s okay if I care too much or if I love too much, even if we could never say a word about this.

He comes inside me with his eyes closed, but they have the most beautiful eyelashes in the world and I accept the loneliness of not seeing them go out of focus while looking (in)to me anymore. I don’t know if it’s due to this entire acceptance or to his head resting beside mine on his pillow or even due to his breathing, happy and tough, but at this exact moment I feel like I couldn’t ever feel loneliness again.)

-

I had to learn him all over again: his body, his mind, his soul. Not that I’d forget – not even for a second – and sometimes I fear (I hope) I’m incapable of forgetting loved people at all, but he has changed a little, and I know I’m at least a little distorted too. We (re)discover each other every day and, now I recognize I’m (absolutely) in love, I’m much more careful and aware of this process.

He has new scars and seems to be constantly worried about falling for me and letting all his boundaries go. I’m a bit afraid of handcuffs and am constantly distracted, wondering how (and if) he lived the forgotten year, thinking everything about an Ianto I’d never meet and about this Ianto I’m meeting again. Was he still stubborn as the devil himself, still pretty, jealous, lovely, insecure, systematic, loyal, liar, hot? Was he himself without me? Could I be myself without him? His body, his mind, his soul.

For someone like me, falling in love is dangerous – a mistake, neighboring a nightmare. I’m still afraid, but I’ve never been known for my self-preservation – I try this every time and I fail enormously every time. All I can (all I want to) do is let it go. Absolutely.

 

 

 

 
 
mood: hopefulhopeful
music: Addicted to Bad Ideas, The World/Inferno Friendship Society
 
 
 
too_beauty: TW: Jack: property of Jonestoo_beauty on January 7th, 2011 08:58 pm (UTC)
really nice!
Dri: Alice Torchwooddripepper on January 12th, 2011 02:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
evalentine99evalentine99 on January 7th, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC)
Thank was wonderful, i am a complete sucker for angst. Well done
Dri: Sally Sparrowdripepper on January 12th, 2011 02:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you like it.
welsh_scotsman: red iantowelsh_scotsman on January 7th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC)
very good! you're english is fine; if you hadn't have said english isn't your first language, i wouldn't have noticed. it's coherent, the tenses (which i often notice that a lot of people who aren't native speakers struggle with) stay consistant and are the correct ones, the words are the correct words you'd use in each situation, and it's a very good idea for a first fanfic. i like how you desrcibed jack's thoughts to ianto, how you compared him to what jack wanted and what ianto did, showing ianto to have a lot of independance? that he wasn't willing to give in to jack, how he wanted to makes jack work for him and how they interact with each other.
Dri: Jack/Ianto TKKSdripepper on January 12th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
Your comment made me so happy! The fine english in this fic is the better part due to my beta, she is a genius.

This is not my first fanfic at all, just my first in english. I loved to put myself inside Jack (pun slight intended) and think about Ianto. To me, Ianto is a really strong and difficult man, and I think Jack thinks the same.

Thank you!
remuslives23: jack and ianto office heartremuslives23 on January 7th, 2011 11:11 pm (UTC)
This was lovely!
Dri: Jack/Ianto TKKSdripepper on January 12th, 2011 02:34 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm so glad you like it.
Jenni Cole: Cuddlelilferret on January 7th, 2011 11:28 pm (UTC)
Beautiful! Very well done! ♥
Dri: Doctor McCoydripepper on January 12th, 2011 02:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks! ♥♥ I confess that I really tried beautiful, so I'm happy it works for you.
chironsgirl on January 8th, 2011 01:20 am (UTC)
I do hope you do some more work on this site. I like how Ianto made Jack chase him. That is what keeps Jack guessing and interested. More?
XOXOXO IJS#22
Dri: Alice Torchwooddripepper on January 12th, 2011 02:54 pm (UTC)
Ianto is difficult, but he is interested too. I think this is really appealing to Jack.

I will write more, for sure. And thank you!
aviv_b (aviva barucha)aviv_b on January 8th, 2011 03:07 am (UTC)
Very nice. This reads very well, its got a rthymn to the words that's almost hypnotic. Honestly, your English writing is a lot better than many of the stories I've read online. Well Done!
Dri: 3D Doctordripepper on January 12th, 2011 02:55 pm (UTC)
Yay! The rhythm is something I really really really care about.

Thank you!!
The Breath Before the Phrase: always j/icwitch on January 8th, 2011 06:14 am (UTC)
Wonderful! Really wonderful! I would NEVER have known English isn't your first language, except maybe that it led to some of your beautiful, slightly unusual phrasing. I could really feel Jack in this, his longing and real feelings for Ianto, despite what they don't say to each other. I look forward to more.
Dri: Alice Torchwooddripepper on January 12th, 2011 04:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I loved your comment. One thing that worried me about this fic was if someone other than me would feel Jack in this. I'm so happy it works for you!

Thanks again!
lone_star_woman: Jacklone_star_woman on January 8th, 2011 08:43 am (UTC)
Very lovely and bittersweet.

One of the things I really like is that Ianto seems to be very guarded and unobtainable. It makes me wonder about his side of the relationship.
Dri: 3D Doctordripepper on January 12th, 2011 04:57 pm (UTC)
We know very little about Ianto and to me this is a clue about his entire life, including his relationship with Jack. I'm glad you like the way I put this in this fic.

Thank you!
Laura: J/I Huglaura_guerin on January 10th, 2011 02:00 am (UTC)
I don't think I'll be able to thank you enough for this. I read it everyday before going to bed, and it makes my heart all warm ♥

As I said on ff.net, the fic is totally adorable, it feels like Jack is having a chat with me.

Loved it, really. Keep on the good work =)

Fantastic!
Dri: gimme all yourdripepper on January 12th, 2011 05:10 pm (UTC)
I JUST WROTE
TO SAY
I LOVE YOU

I JUST WROTE
TO SAY
HOW MUCH I CARE